Stray long hairs freak me the fuck out the way spiders or snakes or clowns do others. I pull them out of my tape with a shiver, uncontrollable, like heebie jeebies, and fling them away from me. Stray long hairs give me the willies.
I was thinking today: just like women.
Christmas, I send out cards. Whatever. I make my cards, usually. This is this years card. It's been photo-shopped, this one was blank, but on each of them I wrote on the cover, " Merry Christmas ______________."
Open it up and tucked inside is an air freshener in the shape of a pine-like tree. Here I wrote, "Hope it doesn't stink!"
I thought the card clever and funny and stupid. And of course the tree had to be black, because it's funnier than green or blue or orange.The card was sent out to 10 people, the usual suspects, family and friends that include two ex-girlfriends. Both of these I dated over 20 years ago, and they now have lives and families. We are not in close contact, the cards at this point are mostly a habit of a formality.
The tree was such a horrible scent I was hoping they all went into the trash, but one person commented they hung it above their cat litter box. One said he hung his in his 1975 Chevy Impala. (That was a joke, just like the card.)
And then there was this, a letter I got in the mail from one of the exes who re-contacted me a few years ago after having broke up with her long term boyfriend. I was no longer interested in her, and came to not particularly care for her, and never called her. But about two, maybe three times a year she would call me for reasons I never understood. I understand now.
Dear Little Bored Fauntleroy,
'Merry Christmas, Mary Lou. Hope it doesn't Stink.' ...I am aware of the fact that you are angry with me. But literally, a black Xmas card, a black Xmas tree. Wow. You're mad. It's that engagement, isn't it [I guess she's engaged with that guy she's been dating the last few years, GOOD!] ...or do you just send cards like this out to all your exes? A few relevant facts...You didn't know what to do with me when you had me. Not once, but TWICE. And I absolutely have to have a stable life with a partner who can step up to the plate. [There was a second time? When?] [I was in the running for being a partner? When?]
..then she tells me how much she loves her fiance though he hasn't actually proposed and she's struggled in life and be happy for her.
The heebie-jeebies, the willies. Just like women.